personality n. the combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individuals distinctive characterI've been home for some time as a full time mom raising a young child, as you already know from reading this very blog. I have too much time to think about things. My brain seems to run all day. While I was driving to our morning coffee and munchkin ritual today, I got to thinking about personality and the role it plays in our lives. It's such an odd thing - this term personality that we choose to signify all of the good, bad and ugly things we tend to do regularly. It becomes really important in our day to day lives and interactions. I think this scene from Pulp Fiction best sums it up.[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJCzrSENHnQ]In certain situations, I have been described as somewhat quiet. Growing up I was rather shy and would frequently not know what to say. Yet when you get to know me, whether through my writing or by just hanging out with me, you soon come to find out my quirky, goofy personality - my collection of characteristics that make me Kim. I've never actually sat down and thought about what these characteristics are. I suppose I can be a pessimist at times, but I always hold onto hope - so I'm not super negative or anything. I'd describe it as having a firm grip on reality. I can be stubborn - I'd rather say "determined" and that has led me to achieving goals I set in my little life. I love to laugh. Whenever I reconnect with people from my past they always mention how much I used to laugh...even if something wasn't THAT funny. I think I've made quite a few people think they are actually a lot funnier than they are. I am terrified of bugs...and I mean terrified. I once called my husband crying on a business trip because there was a bee in house...in the room upstairs, with the door closed...completely distraught because I was terrified of going near it. I frequently make my dog Stella eat spiders and other insects I find around the house. She's like a 60 pound furry aardvark. I would also say that I am somewhat of an idealist. I expect a lot from people. I assume that most will do the right and honorable thing all of the time and get really disappointed when they don't. But I am forgiving. I love a genuine apology. I adore honesty even more.So that's sort of a summary of my personality. Just a blurb. I guess I can add that I love hip hop and gangster rap. Being a 5'2 very caucasian female adds some humor to that characteristic when you drive a large orange Honda Element with the whitest baby in the world sitting (and dancing) in the back seat.I haven't really cultivated this personality of mine. It's taken me quite some time just to admit to some of the characteristics that comprise "me." I feel it would be inauthentic - which is another characteristic for my collection. I like things as they are - unforced and natural - like my son. It's somewhat refreshing to be around a toddler for this reason. He can't help but show his true colors all of the time - especially when you don't want him to. He is the most authentic person I know. Perhaps sometimes a little too authentic. He's terribly stubborn and outspoken at times. He can be a bit shy with new people at first but warms up pretty quickly. He loves to dance and be the center of attention. He is in fact very much a ham. He generally doesn't want his mom to be doing anything but paying attention to him - including running with the jogging stroller. His personality was so strong today that he screamed the entire 2 miles drawing several looks of pity from everyone that passed us along the trail...including the wild turkeys and dogs.I can already see how my own personality is starting to rub off on him...in not such pretty ways. I suppose it's a good thing he spends so much time with the dog. She's very calm and zen...and protects me from all of the spiders and bugs. Having a second insect killer in this household is definitely a good thing.
pinion
pinion noun. the outer part of a bird's wing including the flight feathers
Several months ago I went for a run in the mountain reserve near my home with my son in his stroller. I remember not feeling particularly well that day and being in a bad mood about something I can't recall. Running is a stress reliever for me but I always listen to loud music in order to ignore the pain that running causes and to not hear my own huffing and wheezing all along the way. That particular day, I had forgotten my earphones. Like I said, I was in a bad mood but I still needed to run because I knew it would make me feel better. Instead of focusing on music I focused on the nature around me and tried to ignore my bodily groaning. I noticed a sparrow in the middle of the trail, not flying or walking, but just looking up toward the sky. Of course when I got closer to him, he took flight, but I was left with an amazing feeling that things would be okay. That all I had to do was remember to look up and the sky would still be there the same way it was for the bird.Throughout my life there have always been symbolic birds. It all started with my mother when I was a child. I had never met her father, my grandfather. He died when my mother was around 20 from a heart attack, but I can tell that she loved him very much. She always told me that her father came back as a pigeon after he died. Now, we are Catholic so we don't believe in reincarnation, but my mother was very sure that whenever she saw an animated pigeon, or one that stood out among the rest, it was her father. Maybe it was because her father used to keep pigeons on the roof when she was growing up in Brooklyn or maybe the pigeon's stout stature and tenacity recalled fond memories of her dad. Either way, my grandfather is a pigeon.The first grown up book that I ever read was Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I still have the paper back copy that my dad gave me and have read it over and over again. I kept the same bookmark I used as a kid in the book and every time I open it to read I feel like I am sitting by the pool at my grandmother's house in Bergenfield reading it for the first time. I've noticed over time that memories of my father become fainter and I have to think harder to recall him. This book is like a totem for my memory. If there were ever a fire in my home and I could save something other than the obvious - baby, husband, dog, wedding photos - I'd reach for this book next. In a way, if my grandfather is a pigeon then my father is definitely a seagull.[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGh8IpBg4wY]But back to my bird story. So this sparrow I saw was looking up at the sky and I had never noticed a bird doing that before. Usually the birds that I see are scavenging for food or picking up bits of garbage to build a nest. Somehow I feel connected to that sparrow. He wasn't looking at the sky because he longed to fly again...he took off and flew seconds later. The sky is a sort of home to a bird...second only to their nest. Perhaps the sky can be my second home as well. The place I look to in order to clear my head and get above all of the nonsense clouding my sight on the ground.The sky is special place that only clouds and birds can really call a home. People and planes can visit it to get from here to there, but not really experience the sky the way a bird can. It's interesting to think about skydiving and space needles and all the odd ways humans interact with the sky. It is as if we go up high to make where we actually reside and live every day seem a little more special so that when we go back down to the ground, we have a different perspective.The difference is we have to work pretty hard to get above the ground to look down. The sky is always there in abundance and all we have to do is look up for a different perspective.Who would have thought that keeping your head in the clouds would help keep you more grounded?